New Year’s Resolution: Gain 25 Pounds of Fat
Losing weight is easy: just don’t eat. What so hard about that? Why does everyone who loses a few pounds get such accolades for NOT doing something?
Now gaining weight, that takes dedication. It takes time and…eating a lot of food. Food loaded with fat and salt and butter and oh so many calories. A nice big burrito, loaded with cheese and sour cream and beans and steak and whatever else I can cram in there. Pancakes with sausage and bacon. Waffles and whipped cream. Big Macs and fries and soda…you know I’m gonna Super Size that shit.
It takes sitting on the coach and eating an entire bag of Doritos, finishing every last crumb. It takes cookies and ice cream and fried dough. It takes eating when you are not hungry, just bored and depressed. What’s better than an entire meat lover’s pizza when you’re feeling blue? Nothing.
So I am dedicating this year to mind-numbing binge watching mind numbing shows and eating processed, sugar and salt and fat laden junk to ease the pain of my longing.
What are you dedicating yourself to?